Home   •   Films   •   TV Series   •   Everything Else   •   Store   •   Search   •   Credits/Legal   •   Help   •   E-Mail   •   The Corner Penthouse
Everything Else > Miscellaneous > Fan Writings
"MSTing Of 'Poultrygeist'"
(a Real Ghostbusters/Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction)

Below is the partial story Ms. Marrs has sent me. She is working on the complete story. When it is finished, she will send it to me. Ms. Marrs wishes for Spook Central to be the exclusive distributor of her story.

-- Paul Rudoff     


This is a MSTing of the Real Ghostbusters episode "Poultrygeist" written by Duane Capizzi and Steven Roberts. It has been transcribed by Paul Rudoff. I decided to start this project thinking it would be funny to see the Real Ghostbusters make fun of one of their own episodes. The reason I chose this one, to be perfectly honest, was because it was the only transcribed episode I could find.

Without further ado, I present this work.

-- Brandy Marrs     


"MiSTing of 'Poultrygeist'"
by Brandy Marrs
based on characters created by Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis
original script written by Duane Capizzi and Steven Roberts
original script copyright © 1988 Columbia Pictures Television
All rights reserved.
MSTing copyright © 1998 Brandy Marrs
All rights reserved. Used with permission.

We see a familiar brown jumpsuit clad arm fling itself on the command center desk. Another arm appears and we see Peter Venkman pull himself into view. He leans against the desk and shakes his head.

PETER
(moaning)
Did someone get the license number of that Mac truck?
(He looks around,
noticing his environment.)
Hey, where am I?

Suddenly, Egon Spengler and Winston Zeddemore pull themselves up next to Peter.

EGON
Right now my head feels like the inside of a pressure cooker.

WINSTON
Where are we, Pete?

PETER
I have no idea. Hey, where's Ray?

RAY
(Coming on from stage left)
Isn't this place great?

Everyone jumps and looks at him.

PETER
Where were you?

RAY
I was walking around the satellite.

WINSTON
Satellite?

PETER
You're saying that we're floating around somewhere in space right now?
(Ray nods)
I've got to get a better travel agent.

EGON
(whipping out the
ever present P.K.E. meter)
Fascinating. Do you know how we got up here?

RAY
Not really. The weird thing is this reminds me of a show I watch, "Mystery Science Theater 3000."

WINSTON
It's the one with the guy and two robots making fun of bad movies, right?

RAY
Yeah.

PETER
And you would know about this how?

WINSTON
I watch it with him on Saturdays.

PETER
Really? How long has this been going on?

WINSTON
A couple months.

PETER
How come I never knew?

EGON
Remember the gameshow and Dib?

PETER
Oh, yeah.

The lights on the desk and above the door behind them begin to flash.

PETER
What do we do?

WINSTON
Push the button and wait for the transmission.

Peter pushes the button and the Ghostbusters eagerly look into the camera.

THE BASEMENT UNDER AN EPA BUILDING
A mysterious figure is messing around with a small box. The figure turns revealing the Ghostbusters' old enemy...Walter Peck!

PECK
Ha! It works. I knew it would.

SATELLITE OF SLIME

ALL
Peck!

EGON
What do you want with us?

EPA BASEMENT

PECK
Nothing much, except your sanity! [Laughs evilly] You see, ever since I was kicked out of the EPA I've been scheming ways to destroy you, and I've found the ultimate in torture...

SOS

WINSTON
You're gonna make us watch bad movies, aren't you?

EPA BASEMENT

PECK
(thoroughly confused)
Yes, how do you know? No matter, you won't be limited to movies. You'll have books, TV shows, fanfiction, usenet posts, and more to contend with. And I'm not alone in this plan. I've teamed up with another one of your foes -- Toley!
(Peck turns around
and calls for Toley.)
Toley! Toley! Where are you?
(to SOS)
I can't seem to find Toley.

Peck wanders around and finds a note.

PECK
Wonder what this is. "Dear Walter, I'm not going to be part of your miserable and stupid human schemes, you are not worthy of my time--" Damn him! Wait a minute, he's a demon, he's already damned.
(to SOS)
I'll just do this alone then. Now, get on with this week's Invention Exchange.

SOS

PETER
What's he talking about?

WINSTON
Every week the host has to come up with some new gadget to annoy the guy downstairs.

PETER
But we don't have anything.

RAY
Sure we do. Egon is always working on something, I'll bet he has an invention.

EGON
You are correct, Raymond. I was working on several inventions before our abduction.

RAY
Could you do the Invention Exchange then?

EGON
All right.
(He pulls out something
from under the desk.)
My invention this week is an atomic destabilizer ...

ALL EXCEPT EGON
NO! Not that! Bad thing! etc.

EGON
What?

WINSTON
Set it down, homeboy and no one gets hurt.

EGON
(setting the invention down)
I honestly don't see what all of you are so upset about.

PETER
Two words Egon: Transparent Man.

EGON
Oh. Well, I have another invention ready.

He puts the atomic destablizer under the table.

PETER
Okay, what is it?

EGON
It's a ...
He lifts a huge object
out from under the desk)
... Fungal Dissector.

WINSTON
Okay. What does it do?

Ray and Peter look at him in horror and Egon settles his glasses onto his face. He lifts a finger in the air and goes into lecture mode.

EGON
It starts out by counting and collecting various species of thallogen and then ...

PETER
(whispering to Winston)
You see what you've done!

WINSTON
That was really dumb.

EPA BASEMENT

PECK
(His face is twitching and
he laughs weakly. Suddenly
regaining his composure
he talks swiftly.)
Your torture this week is an episode of a wildly popular TV series from the eighties. And no, it's not "Family Matters" or "Full House." It's something that'll seem very ... familiar. Enjoy!

SOS

Egon is still lecturing and the others have fallen asleep.

EGON
And furthermore ...

A klaxon alarm goes off and lights start to flash, waking the others. Ray looks up wide-eyed and shares a look with Winston.

WINSTON AND RAY
We've got TV Script Sign!

PETER
What?!

Ray smacks a button and Winston shoves Peter off left. Ray grabs Egon's arm and drags the still talking physicist into the theater.

DOOR SEQUENCE

They go into the theater and sit, from left to right: Egon, Peter, Ray, and Winston.

This script was transcribed by Paul Rudoff

PETER
Isn't he one of Santa's reindeer?

RAY
Not really, they just made that one up for kids. The others are real though.

PETER
(skeptically)
Oh, really?

Ray nods.

PETER
(leaning over and
whispering to Egon)
What have you been telling him?

EGON
(looking at P.K.E.
and totally oblivious)
About what?

Peter sighs

THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS

WINSTON
This must have been what Peck meant about being familiar.

"Poultrygeist!"

RAY
They're heeerrrreee!

by
Duane Capizzi
and
Steven Roberts

PETER
(as Archer Bunker)
Huh, an Italian and a regular American. Looks like a balanced ticket.

Last revised May 12, 1988

EGON
A day that will live in infamy.

ACT ONE

PETER
Scene Twenty-three and a third.

FADE IN:     

EXT. -- A FARMHOUSE OUTSIDE NEW YORK CITY -- NIGHT

WINSTON
(as writer)
Let's see, "It was a dark and stormy night." Brilliant!

On the farmhouse roof a CHICKEN-SHAPED WEATHERVANE ...

RAY
Why do they need to yell? We're right in front of them.

... stands silhouetted against a FULL, BLOOD-RED MOON.

PETER
(as Joker)
Have you ever danced with the Devil in the red moonlight?

The wind HOWLS and the vane swivels with an EERIE SQUEAK.

EGON
Hmm, needs oil.

Then a weird ANIMAL CRY is heard--a cross between a chicken CROWING and a wolf HOWLING.

WINSTON
Sounds like Col. Sanders worst nightmare.

WERECHICKEN (VO)
(A CROWING HOWL)

CAMERA PANS DOWN TO:     

CHICKEN PEN

A fenced-in dirt area with numerous CHICKENS milling around, ...

EGON
Yes, one would expect to find chickens in a chicken pen.

... CLUCKING as they peck ...

ALL
(grumble)

... at the ground.

WERECHICKEN (VO)
(ANOTHER HOWL, nearer now)

The chickens' heads jerk up toward the sound.

RAY
(as chickens)
It's Col. Sanders!

WERECHICKEN'S POV -- MOVING

A RED-tinted, shaky, MOVING CAMERA TRUCK-IN on the chickens.

PETER
Seems the werechicken's been going a little heavy on the Jack Daniels.

(These shots are in the style of the POV SHOTS in WOLFEN.) Magnified GURGLING and HEAVY BREATHING of Werechicken is heard.

WERECHICKEN (VO)
(GURGLING, HEAVY BREATHING)

EGON
Sounds like Cluck Vader.

WINSTON
(as Darth Vader)
Luke, [cluck] join the Dark Side.

The terrified chickens stare INTO CAMERA ...

RAY
(as chickens)
AAAHHHH! It's Alan Funt!

... as the Werechicken moves closer, his shadow falling over them. They flap into their coop, SQUAWKING wildly.

INT. -- FARMHOUSE LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT

MAUDE ...

RAY AND WINSTON
(cluck the theme to The Mod Squad)

PETER
It's the Mod Squad starring Bea Arthur!

EGON
It's the Mod Squad starring Bea Arthur!

... and ZEKE sit on the sagging couch ...

ALL
Ewww.

... watching a werewolf movie on TV while munching popcorn from a huge bowl. They're distracted by CHICKENS SQUAWKING.

WINSTON
They're feeling a little henpecked.

OTHERS
(groan)

ZEKE
Sump'n's stirrin' up the chickens, Maude.

RAY
(ala Doctor, Doctor)
I'm gonna milk the cows now, Ma.

MAUDE
Jes' set easy, Zeke.
(she rises; heads for door)
I'll take a look-see.

Zeke continues staring at TV.

PETER
(sings)
We're gonna make a couch potato outa you!

EXT. FARMHOUSE -- NIGHT -- WERECHICKEN'S POV

Through the Werechicken's red eyes, we see a distant image of Maude with a flashlight, approaching the fenced-in chicken pen and opening the gate. CAMERA STARTS MOVING IN ...

EGON
Step by step, inch by inch.

... toward Maude as she enters, leaving gate open.

WERECHICKEN (VO)
(GURGLING, HEAVY BREATHING)

RAY
(as Werechicken)
Must ... have ... gargle.

ANGLE WITHIN CHICKEN PEN

WINSTON
Let's see, there's an ink cartage and some chicken feathers. Get it? Chicken pen.

OTHERS
(groan)

The dirt compound is empty now as Maude crosses toward wooden chicken coop.

MAUDE
(as she goes)
Here, chick-chick-chick-chick.

PETER
(as Maude)
I have a nice little stew pot for you to go in. Heh, heh, heh.

INT. CHICKEN COOP -- OTS MAUDE

AS Maude ENTERS from OUT OF CAMERA, her flashlight beam illuminates the chickens cowering on their roosts in a corner. They CLUCK nervously.

WINSTON
(as Maude)
Zeke's been at you girls again, huh?

Ray looks horrified and Peter raises an eyebrow.

MAUDE
What's got you girls so durned upset? There a coyote sneakin' 'round?

RAY
(as Wile E. Coyote)
Yes, Wile E. Coyote, super genius!

Suddenly the Werechicken's shadow moves up Maude's back, then the wall.

EGON
Isn't he getting rather personal?

WERECHICKEN (VO)
(Low, gutteral CLU-UCK)

RAY
(deeply)
Bwok, bwok, bwok.

Maude looks over her shoulder AT CAMERA, reacts.

PETER
(as Maude)
Gasp! Who does your hair?!

MAUDE
(GASP!)

MAUDE'S POV -- THE WERECHICKEN

Red-eyed, grotesque, three times the size of an ordinary rooster ...

WINSTON
It's Peter when he first wakes up in the morning.

... as it stands framed in the moonlit doorway. It opens its fanged beak in a horrifying SHRIEK as it springs AT CAMERA, wings flapping.

WERECHICKEN
(Frightening SHRIEK)

INT. FARMHOUSE LIVING ROOM - CLOSE ON TV

Old black-and-white movie. MELODRAMATIC MUSIC ...

EGON
As opposed to phlegmatic music?

... as a man turns into a werewolf, his HOWL a continuation of the previous Werechicken SHRIEK.

WINSTON
Sounds like Peter when he finds a gray hair.

PETER
What gray hairs?!

TV WEREWOLF
(eerie HOWL)

WIDER ANGLE - ZEKE

Continues watching TV and eating popcorn. Maude walks stiffly into room behind him, eyes staring blankly.

EGON
Not a new state for her.

RAY
(as Maude)
Resistance ... is ... futile. You ... will ... be ... assimilated.

ZEKE
(without looking up)
Everythin' okay out there, Maude?

WAIST SHOT -- MAUDE

PETER
(as Zeke)
Getting a little thick around the middle, ain't 'cha?

She stares with glassy, red eyes and CLUCKS quietly.

WINSTON
(as Maude)
Fully stuff and bread him? I will obey.

MAUDE-CHICKEN
(CLUCKS)

ZEKE (VO)
What say?

PAN DOWN below Maude's waist to reveal that she's turning into a chicken from the feet up. First her shoes RIP apart as large, yellow chicken feet sprout. Then her dress SWELLS and SPLITS, revealing a large, ...

EGON
I'm afraid you're much too young to see this, Raymond.

He reaches across Peter and covers Ray's eyes.

RAY
Egon!

...feathered body underneath. The only piece of clothing left on her is her apron. One foot scratches the floor.

PETER
(as Zeke)
Not my good oak flooring!

Egon takes his hand away from Ray's face. Ray gives him the raspberry.

MAUDE-CHICKEN (VO)
(more CLUCKS)

WIDER ANGLE -- FULLSHOT OF MAUDE-CHICKEN

Now completely transformed and six feet tall, she leaps up to perch on back of couch, THRUSTING ...

Ray catches Egon's hand before it finds its target. Egon withdraws it.

... her chicken head repeatedly into the popcorn bowl in Zeke's lap, pecking the bowl clean. Zeke's jaw hangs open, speechless, as he stares at the fanged, drooling, six-foot Werechicken.

EGON
El Pollo gone horribly wrong.

WINSTON
(as Zeke)
You've never looked better, Maude.

The Werechicken looks up from the empty bowl, right in Zeke's terrified eyes.

RAY
(as Maude-Chicken)
What, you don't like my new look?

ZEKE (VO)
(SCREAMS)

He scrambles ...

EGON
Interesting, an unintentional egg pun.

... backwards off the couch.

EXT. FARMHOUSE -- NIGHT - WERECHICKEN'S POV

SCENE RED-tinted. We hear loud SQUAWKING from within house as chicken feathers fly out the open windows.

PETER
I think Farmer Zeke's having a bit too much fun in there.

RAY
(shocked)
What is with you guys today?

ZEKE (VO)
(YELLING)
Get away!' Scat! Shoo!

WINSTON
Gesundheit.

MAUDE-CHICKEN (VO)
(loud SQUAWKING)

CLOSE ANGLE -- WERECHICKEN

Watching from slight hilltop. Its beak seems to bend into an insidious grin.

RAY
(as Werechicken)
In just a matter of moments, the Tyson Corporation will be mine!

ZEKE (VO)
(from distance)
Help!... He-elp!

EGON
(as The Fly)
Help me! He-elp me!

CUT TO:     

EXT. ESTABLISHING -- GHOSTBUSTERS HQ - NIGHT

PETER
Now that we've established that let's move on, shall we?

As CAMERA MOVES IN, we hear:

PETER (VO)
Egon, could you hold off on the weather balloon bit for a minute?

WINSTON
(as Egon)
But it's the closing number for my Broadway musical!

DISSOLVE THRU TO:     

INT. -- LABORATORY -- ON PETER AND RAY

RAY
No! The lab's caved in on us!

They stand holding big plastic bags of trash, obviously annoyed at the O.S. Egon.

PETER
Offensive Smelling Egon?

Ray's armful of trash is piled so high that he can't see over it.

EGON
(teasing)
What kind of trash are they talking about Ray?

Ray scoots away from him.

SLIMER hovers behind, sticking his nose in one of the bags like a dog. He finally dives right into it.

PETER (CONT)
It's Your ...

WINSTON
Ray's finally become a god.

PETER (CONT)
... night to take out the trash.

RAY
If you insist, Peter.

He stands up and pulls Peter up. Ray pushes Peter off right. Peter walks back on, very annoyed.

PETER
Cute, Ray.

RAY
And Winston's in the kitchen doing your dishes.

EGON
And Louis is doing our tax returns.

Everyone looks at Egon.

WINSTON
Really?

EGON
Yes.

Peter looks obviously distressed.

PETER
(whispering to Ray and Winston)
Remind me to change accountants when we get home.

ANGLE ON EGON

EGON
And circle on Winston.
(laughs)

OTHERS
(groan)

PETER
Egon's the only guy I know who would make a *geometry* joke.

He's busy testing his WEATHER BALLOON--a large, pink bubble half the size of the room.

RAY
So Egon's weather balloon is made out of Bubble Yum?

WINSTON
Real scientific, homeboy.

He moves a lever on its remote control unit and the balloon rises.

PETER
_The Balloon Also Rises_.

EGON
(preoccupied; through above)
Be with you in ...
(checks watch)
... one minute, fifty-three seconds.

EGON
(as The Brain)
And the world will be mine!

OTHERS
How'd you do that?

ANOTHER ANGLE

PETER
Another dollar.

Peter and Ray exchange pained glances.

RAY
(as Dr. Smith)
Oh, the pain. The pain!

Peter awkwardly attempts to pick up another trash bag while Ray stumbles around, his vision blocked. PAN WITH THEM ...

EGON
As in Peter Pan, or the shepherd god Pan?

... as they move toward door when Egon's weather balloon suddenly lowers INTO FRAME. They bounce into and off of it, which sends the trash bags flying.

WINSTON
Whee!

PETER AND RAY
(AD-LIB REACTIONS as they bounce off balloon)

EGON
Owie, owie, owie!

WINSTON
(as George Jetson)
Jane, stop this crazy thing!

PETER
Geronimo!

RAY
(as Wizard)
I don't know how this works! Goodbye, folks!

NEW ANGLE

PETER
What happened to the old one?

Peter stumbles backwards and lands butt-first right on one of the bags.

OTHERS
(snicker)

Slimer SQUEALS from within it.

WINSTON
Gonna make him squeal like a pig!

SLIMER (VO)
(big muffled SQUEAL)

Then he comes shooting out the back of the bag, the lower half of his body flat as a Frisbee.

EGON
(laughs)
Ah, physical humor.
(stops laughing)
I don't get it.

SLIMER

Shakes himself off like a dog, spraying slime all over Peter.

PETER
(pissed; sarcastic)
Thanks, Slimer. I really needed that!

PETER
(bitter)
Like a hole in the head.

SLIMER
Sorreee!

RAY
(singing as Slimer)
With the fringe on top!

OTHERS
Don't do that!

ANOTHER ANGLE

Ray helps Peter up as the telephone RINGS and RINGS.

RAY
(irritated)
Egon! The phone!

WINSTON
Sorry, Egon isn't in right now, if you care to leave your name and number --

EGON
Cute, Winston.

ON EGON

RAY
Who's on Egon?

OTHERS
First base!

The RINGING phone is right beside him on the workbench.

EGON
(preoccupied with
remote controls)

RAY
(teasing)
This isn't familiar at all ...

EGON
In a minute, Ray.

ANGLE ON WINSTON

He ENTERS with sleeves rolled up, wiping a plate with a dish towel and wearing an apron.

PETER
(snickering)
Do you know how manly you look with that apron on?

WINSTON
Shut up.

WINSTON
(sarcastic)
Nevermind, Egon, wouldn't want you to strain yourself.

EGON
You don't have to be so nasty about it.

WINSTON
(picks up phone)
Ghostbusters Central.

RAY
(as Winston)
You haunt 'em, we bust 'em.

VOICE OVER PHONE
(excited CHATTER)

WINSTON
Calm down... Where are you?...

PETER
(as Winston)
What the? That's disgusting, you pervert!

WINSTON
(a BEAT as he listens)
We'll be right there.

He hangs up.

WIDER ANGLE

EGON
To 135 degrees.

Peter and Ray again have their arms full of trash bags. Even Slimer is dragging one.

WINSTON
Ready for this one?

WINSTON
Do we have any choice?

WINSTON
Some farmer says his wife was eaten by a giant chicken.

PETER
(chuckles)
Those farmers and their LSD.

PETER
Hey, even a half-baked false alarm sounds better than doing Egon's chores.
(he drops trash bags)
Let's roll!

RAY
(as himself)
But the trash and stuff--the heck with it!

Ray and Slimer also abandon their trash bags and EXIT with Peter and Winston.

REAR VIEW ON EGON

WINSTON
Could you please turn the camera?

still oblivious as he works in the suddenly empty room.

EGON
This is going to turn into an Egon-torture episode, isn't it?

EGON
I think I've finally perfected it. Watch this, guys.
(a BEAT, he looks
around over shoulder)
Guys?

PETER
(as Egon)
No one's here. Time to call Janine for those lambada lessons.
(chuckles)

WIPE TO:     

WINSTON
AAH! Where'd the picture go?!

EXT. -- COUNTRY ROAD - ESTABLISHING - NIGHT

RAY
(as cameraguy)
Is it dark?

EGON
(as other cameraguy)
Yup.

RAY
(same)
It's night.

ECTO-1 roars INTO CAMERA, siren and lights going.

INT. -- ECTO 1 -- MOVING

The Ghostbusters, minus Egon, are wearing their gear. Slimer hovers in back seat.

EGON
Terrific, I've been replaced by a green blob of ectoplasm.

RAY
It sure feels strange not having Egon with us.

RAY
(as himself)
Yeah, he loves chicken.

PETER
(sarcastic)
Why? Lately even when he's with us, he's not with us.

WINSTON
Run that by me again?

ON WINSTON

Driving.

WINSTON
But wouldn't it be somethin' if he sells that weather balloon idea of his? He'll be a rich man!

PETER
(sings)
If I were a rich man!

ON PETER

Arms folded, grumpily.

RAY
(teasing)
Is little Petey feeling tired?

PETER
Good. Then he can hire a maid to do his share of the chores.

EGON
But I already have one.

WINSTON
Who?

EGON
(smiles)
Peter.

EXT. -- ECTO 1 -- NIGHT

PETER
Haven't we established this already?

As it speeds OUT OF CAMERA toward distant farmhouse, PAN OVER TO the apron-wearing Maude-Chicken silhouetted in the moonlight, nesting in a haystack.

WINSTON
(as announcer)
And here we can see the majestic Maude-Chicken's beautiful plumage.

MOVE IN TO --

CLOSER ANGLE ON MAUDE-CHICKEN

Her body starts to shake, she ruffles her wings.

RAY
(as Maude-Chicken)
Forget this, I'm going out dancing!

MAUDE-CHICKEN
(Egg-laying CLUCKS)

Then she suddenly sits up and leaps off the haystack, revealing an enormous egg beneath her. Maude SQUAWKS and CLUCKS and struts off into a cornfield, pecking away at ears of corn.

PETER
And is immediately killed by religious fanatic children.

MAUDE-CHICKEN
(SQUAWKS and CLUCKS)

CUT TO:     

INT. -- FARMHOUSE LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT

Ray, Winston and Slimer listen seriously as Zeke speaks, but Peter's obviously not buying it.

WINSTON
(as Peter)
Nope, I'm not interested in life insurance right now.

ZEKE
Had big blood-red eyes, it did. Biggest dang chicken I ever seen. Mebbe six feet tall.

EGON
(as Zeke)
Hangs around with a rabbit named Harvey.

Peter rolls his eyes.

PETER
Right out of his head and onto the floor.

WINSTON
Shouldn't be hard to find.

RAY

is jotting info on notepad.

PETER
(as Ray)
Loaf of bread, stick of butter, gallon of milk.

RAY
Did it have any distinguishing marks?

RAY
(as himself)
Any interesting tattoos?

ANOTHER ANGLE

PETER
Ray! It's six feet tall!

Peter grabs Ray's arm, starts ushering him to front door.

WINSTON
(as Peter)
Please sir, stay in your seat!

PETER (CONT)
(over shoulder as he goes)
Thank you, Sir. We'll put out a missing chicken report right away.

EGON
(as Peter)
Murry, put out an APB on a six-foot chicken.

EXT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT

As the three Ghostbusters and Slimer cross toward Ecto-1 parked in front.

PETER
(as they go)
This one's easy, guys. Old Zeke's been watchin' too many horror movies and eating too much greasy popcorn.

WINSTON
Not to mention KFC.

CLOSER ANGLE -- MOVING

RAY
No, Peter, I think we're dealing with a bonafide werechicken here.

CLOSER ANGLE

EGON
Any closer and we'll have to file a restraining order.

Peter and Winston stop, look at Ray in disbelief.

WINSTON
A werechicken?

RAY
(as himself)
Work with me Winston, it's the only thing the writers could come up with this week.

PETER
Get serious, Ray.

RAY
Then explain those!

Ray points at ground. Peter, Winston and Slimer look down.

PETER
(as himself)
Werechicken doody. Great find, Ray.

THEIR POV

ALL
(singing)
Point of view! Point of VIEW! POINT OF VIEW!

Peter is standing with both feet in two enormous chicken footprints.

SMASH CUT TO:     

ALL
AAHHH!

EXT. -- OPEN FIELD -- NIGHT

The three Ghostbusters follow Maude's "chicken" tracks with powerful flashlights across a field spotted with haystacks. Slimer moves ahead, nose to ground like a bloodhound.

WINSTON
(as hick)
Yup, we're gonna catch that varmint!

SLIMER
(SNIFFS as he goes)

PETER
Slimer's doing drugs? That explains a lot of things ...

RAY
Peter!

ANGLE ON SLIMER

He floats along above the flashlight-illuminated tracks which lead him right into the haystack. We hear a BONK from within, ...

ALL
Ewww.

... then:

SLIMER (VO)
Ow!

Slimer backs OUT INTO SHOT rubbing his head. He looks up and his eyes pop wide.

SLIMER
(amazed GASP!)

LOW ANGLE ON GIANT EGG

EGON
(as Slimer)
Omelette!

The Ghostbusters ENTER SHOT and play their flashlights across the huge egg sitting atop the haystack.

PETER
The Easter bunny motherload!

RAY
(excited)
What'd I tell you, Peter? A werechicken egg! Gimme a hand, Winston!

WINSTON
[claps]

WIDER ANGLE

As Ray and Winston ease the egg down off the haystack. Peter holds his PKE meter up to it.

RAY
(as Peter)
I claim this egg for Spain!

PETER
Look, if this is a werechicken egg,

EGON
(as Peter)
Then I'm an incubus.

CLOSER ANGLE -- METER

Nothing registers on the meter.

PETER
They don't have to pay a water bill this month.

PETER (CONT)
... how come there's no PKE reading?

THREESHOT

WINSTON
(as announcer)
In the Capital Building in Washington D.C. today.

Ray and Winston still hold giant egg.

EGON
(as Winston)
Can we put this down now? Thanks.

RAY
(looking at meter
in Peter's hand)
I dunno... that is strange.

RAY
(as himself)
Maybe it's a plot device.

WINSTON
Let's get it back to Headquarters and run some tests. Then maybe we'll have some answers.

PETER
(as Winston)
Even if we don't, it's a great excuse to go out and buy stuff.

ON RAY

RAY
Oh no, I'm not leavin'.

ALL
What?!

WINSTON
(at screen)
Are you nuts?!

EGON
(ditto)
He cannot seriously be considering that option.

RAY
(waving hands in front
of the others' faces)
Hey, guys I am right here you know!

RAY
The werechicken that laid this has gotta be around here someplace -- and I'm gonna find it.

PETER
(as Ray)
Or my name is not Don Quixote!

ON PETER AND SLIMER

WINSTON
What's on --

RAY
Winston, I did that joke already.

WINSTON
Just ruin my moment.

PETER
(throws up his hands
with heavy SIGH)
I'll take it.

EGON
Sold to the man in the brown jumpsuit!

PETER
C'mon, Slimer.

They take egg from Ray and Winston and start back toward Ecto-l.

PETER (CONT)
(shaking his head;
as he goes)
Werechickens.

WINSTON
(as Peter)
Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

WERECHICKEN'S POV

EGON
(as werechicken)
Personally, I think this whole thing's silly.

Through its RED EYES we see, from a distance, Peter and Slimer carrying the egg, Ray and Winston moving off in other direction.

WERECHICKEN (VO)
(BREATHING & SLOBBERING)

PETER
Control yourself!

SMASH CUT TO:     

RAY
(hopeful)
A better episode?

WINSTON
No such luck, homeboy.

RAY
(disappointed)
Damn.

INT. -- GHOSTBUSTERS HQ - LAB - NIGHT

Egon still busy with his balloon as Peter and Slimer carry egg in through door.

PETER
(through above)
Yo, balloon man, ...

EGON
(sings)
Have you seen the balloon man?

PETER
... we've got some real work for you: ...

PETER
(as himself)
Here's a hat and a spatula, now go flip those burgers!

PETER
... How about analyzing this?

ANOTHER ANGLE

Egon looks around, reacts to egg.

WINSTON
(as Egon)
It's big.

EGON
Interesting. That's the second biggest egg I've ever seen.

RAY
(as Egon)
The biggest was Peter's joke at the children's hospital fundraiser.

Peter and Slimer set egg on Egon's desk.

PETER
I don't wanna hear about it, Egon. We've had a long night in a not-too-fragrant barnyard, so I'm taking a shower and hitting the sheets.

EGON
What did the sheets ever do to you?

Peter EXITS as Slimer ZIPS in close beside Egon, elbows on desk, chin in hands, eyeing Egon and egg expectantly. Egon pushes glasses up off tip of nose and blinks at egg, not sure what to do with it.

PETER
That's a first.

CAMERA MOVES IN on egg and we --

WINSTON
We gotta go guys.

PETER
How do you know?

WINSTON
(shrugs)
I just do.

RAY
(hums the Twilight Zone theme)

EGON
(warningly)
Raymond --

RAY
Sorry, Egon.

The Ghostbusters stand up and exit the theater.

** To Be Continued **